“Grief Sucks” – Everyone ever

We can’t take their pain away.

It can be heartbreaking to witness someone you love navigating grief. Our natural inclination is to want to do anything we can to take their pain away and bring back their joy. The truth is that some of our kindness may soften their pain, but it will remain.

Sometimes the most empathetic sympathies just honor that grief is shitty and give space for the griever to feel how they feel. In our culture, we often want to spring into the positive and look on the bright side. While this approach might be meaningful for some, with many of my grief buddies, it caused harm. There is not comfort in the “everything happens for a reason” or “they’re in a better place,” but it can be validating to hear, “this is not easy” and give permission for the person to grieve.

That is not to say that there is not meaning or learnings that come alongside grief, but they may not happen right away. I’ve built a whole business from my grief experience but when I was first going through it, I couldn’t even keep my head straight. I had never heard of grief brain and didn’t realize the many ways might body would fail me after the loss.  Some days I didn’t sleep, others I had nightmares, sometimes I had zero appetite, other times I truly didn’t know if I was coming or going. I didn’t know that a grief burst could come out of no where when I least expected it and send me in a tailspin, and it was so reassuring when someone who was more familiar with grief, simply said, “This is normal” and “grief is hard.”

The platitudes of “time heals all wounds”, “she lived a long life”, “it all happened for the best” or “you can have more children” don’t feel like looking on the bright side and many case feels like it chips away at how someone is actually feeling. I encourage you to ask someone how they’re feeling, not guess and be comfortable with the uncomfortable if they express hard emotions. A listening ear is one of the kindness ways we can show up for each other, while also giving grace to let each person experience grief in their own way. Continue to show up long after the initial loss, keep loving them louder, and recognize that although we cannot take away the pain, we can create a safe space for them to grieve and feel loved.