A clean fridge – check!

When I learn someone has experienced a loss, everything in me switches into grief buddy mode. I instantly think “What can I do?” and try to find what can be swift and appropriate for the situation. I admit, I have some go-to ideas. Maybe they’re my grief brand. These are things that I appreciated when my mom died or things that I think are comforting. I often try to think about one thing I can take off the person’s plate.

I recently learned of a friend’s unexpected loss and how neighbors of their person were springing into action, offering support and condolences.

Everyone was in shock and the situation was such that it might have been hard to know how to show up. In the midst of their own grief, I love that two of these friends were thoughtful and asked if it was okay if they cleaned out the fridge.

I would never have thought of this; the fridge might have been the last thing on my mind.  My friend thought it was an unusual offer but took them up on it. As we discussed their willingness to help, I shared that I thought it was so nice of them to find a tangible task that allowed them to feel useful, while also sparing her and her family from a task that would have come.

There is often discomfort surrounding how we support the grieving. It’s quite common to feel intimidated or worried about doing the wrong thing. I truly believe the gift is showing up and that we can be inspired by these fridge cleaners. We can offer to help in a specific way. We can recognize that there are a million little logistics when someone dies, and it is kind to try to shorten the list of things to do.

I am not advocating that we all offer to clean out a fridge, but suggesting that we be present, and instead of resting on statements like “Let me know if you need anything”, think of a menu of acts that we can offer our loved ones.  They may not take us up on our offers or they might suggest other things that would be more helpful, but showing up means leaning in. Move within the discomfort to be there in their difficult time.